Speak, To prevent this from continuing

You know how it is, when someone or something, brings back a time in your life,

That was either good or bad?

This has me shaking.

I liked where we lived, in the early seventies.

My dad, my sister and I.

I didn’t realize it at the time, but most of our neighbors were single fathers, like my dad.

But this family (that I also must speak about) had a mother, father, a boy and girl.

Who were a couple/few years older than, my sister and I.

Although I don’t remember details (there was touching) I do have the memories, of how it made me feel.

[Our parents drank. And they would drink at each others place. Leaving us alone, playing, at each others place]

When our building had to be renovated, we had to move.

This new neighborhood had a family, that had both parents, many children (older than us) and no discipline.


Long story short. And why I must speak.

I was eleven years old. We started hanging with this family, who’s parents allowed, sex, drugs (sold marijuana and where I smoked my first joint) and alcohol.

[My dad tried deperately, to stop us]

There were no limits.

Although I was doing any and everything I wanted to do (sex, weed and alcohol)

There was one time I was asleep.

And woke up to one of those older boys, trying to violate me.

It didn’t take me long (just a few months) to realize, all this freedom was the worst thing that could have happened to us.

So I left. My sister stayed.

[early pregnacies, would be a reaccurence, in our family]

A few days ago, I received a friend request.

I thought from, this, that tried to violate me while I was sleep.

[as I said, my sister stayed. And is connected, by a click. Why I got the request]

I immediately got nervous, started shaking and prepared myself to tell him, why I wouldn’t have accepted his friend request.

But it was his brother.

I just declined, the friend request.

Then my sister (who rarely calls) tries to call me.

to tell me, that this person is trying to contact me.

[This person, who’s a part of the family I purposely omitted from my life]

My sister then texts me, that this person is trying to contact me.

And then, tells someone else, to tell me, this person, is trying to contact me.

I then have to tell her, I know. That I’m not interested.

Click, bye, bye, delete.

Whatever it takes for me to be healthy.

I speak, because I want people to know the things that happened to me and how they affect me, even now.

Forty five years later.

I pray to God, we prevent someone from going through the painful issues associated with sexual abuse.


For the first time in my life

For the first time in my life, I feel comfortable in my skin.

All my life I said, I was comfortable, with who I was.

But it wasn’t until this very moment, that I realized,

that I was never, really me.

Rape never really allowed me, to be me.

Rape forced me to hide behind, a masculine facade.

I used to mimic my dads walk. [Atleast I did, in my head]

It forced me into a lifestyle, I don’t know that, I would have chosen.

Rape has effected every part of my life. It’s the source of my PTSD diagnosis, my depression…bipolar.

The reason, at age 12, I attempted suicide, started cutting myself and did more things,

you weren’t supposed to do, before age 21….yep, that too!

I talk about this because I must.

We have to PREVENT this from continuing!

[How many of you, are reading this now, who have been affected in the same way, suffer with mental illness and have had some kind of drug or alcohol addiction, like me?]

I was born to a mentally ill mother, who was born to, a mentally ill mother.

[I don’t know how you get someone, who has mental illness, to get help, if they don’t recognize that they’re ill. My mother and I both sought treatment.

[And how do you protect children, from a parent, with mentals illnesses?]

[I can’t remember the name of the couple, that attended to our wounds during the abuse. But the husband reminded me of Fred, from the, I Love Lucy show. It seems I may have called him, Uncle Paul. And I remember his wife being, Wilma like, from The Flintstones]

I associate a lot of things with, TV, radio characters. Does anybody else?

There was history of alcoholism. On both sides.

Mother, father.

Both mothers, child abusers.

I won’t tell you all the things, that led up to me getting raped.

But, once I was awaken as a child, by a gray haired old man, hovering over me, in his boxers.

Another time, awaken to an adult molesting me.

A year later,  raped.

[be careful, who you choose to live with, when you have children]

I drank and smoked with my mother…..yep, that too!

As a child, I wasn’t verbal. I acted out. I got angry, I walked.

[I wrote down my feelings. How is someone expressing themselves to you?]

Rape, had me not writing, not even the word.

Nobody talks about it.

The media treats it, as a blurp.

Hollywood profits off it.

[Makes me wonder, how many of them picture makers, are rapist]

Nobody talks about it, because it’s a nasty, filthy, inhumane act.

We each had different circumstances.

I recently heard, a Dick Gregory quote,

“Stay woke”

Again, For the first time in my life, I feel feminine and comfortable in my body.

For the first time, in my life, I feel like a woman!

Note: I’m a bit manic. I sometimes change topics. But, will share, when I feel it is important.