The Lonely Lesbie

I hoped I would miss you, less and less over time.

It’s been two years.

Two years since I’ve seen you or heard your voice.

I did all I could, to get you out of my system.

It worked, for a bit.

But then, I had a moment.

And I text you.

Desperate, for even one of your, one worded responses.

I think of the good.

The weekend get aways to “The Room”

The road trips.

To Virginia, Pennsylvania. Martha’s Vineyard.

And the, not so good.

Him. Us and him again.

Still, I love you, as much as I did, the first time I met you.

Because, Whatever we were,

You were always, straight with me.

I miss you, immensely.


Speak, To prevent this from continuing

You know how it is, when someone or something, brings back a time in your life,

That was either good or bad?

This has me shaking.

I liked where we lived, in the early seventies.

My dad, my sister and I.

I didn’t realize it at the time, but most of our neighbors were single fathers, like my dad.

But this family (that I also must speak about) had a mother, father, a boy and girl.

Who were a couple/few years older than, my sister and I.

Although I don’t remember details (there was touching) I do have the memories, of how it made me feel.

[Our parents drank. And they would drink at each others place. Leaving us alone, playing, at each others place]

When our building had to be renovated, we had to move.

This new neighborhood had a family, that had both parents, many children (older than us) and no discipline.


Long story short. And why I must speak.

I was eleven years old. We started hanging with this family, who’s parents allowed, sex, drugs (sold marijuana and where I smoked my first joint) and alcohol.

[My dad tried deperately, to stop us]

There were no limits.

Although I was doing any and everything I wanted to do (sex, weed and alcohol)

There was one time I was asleep.

And woke up to one of those older boys, trying to violate me.

It didn’t take me long (just a few months) to realize, all this freedom was the worst thing that could have happened to us.

So I left. My sister stayed.

[early pregnacies, would be a reaccurence, in our family]

A few days ago, I received a friend request.

I thought from, this, that tried to violate me while I was sleep.

[as I said, my sister stayed. And is connected, by a click. Why I got the request]

I immediately got nervous, started shaking and prepared myself to tell him, why I wouldn’t have accepted his friend request.

But it was his brother.

I just declined, the friend request.

Then my sister (who rarely calls) tries to call me.

to tell me, that this person is trying to contact me.

[This person, who’s a part of the family I purposely omitted from my life]

My sister then texts me, that this person is trying to contact me.

And then, tells someone else, to tell me, this person, is trying to contact me.

I then have to tell her, I know. That I’m not interested.

Click, bye, bye, delete.

Whatever it takes for me to be healthy.

I speak, because I want people to know the things that happened to me and how they affect me, even now.

Forty five years later.

I pray to God, we prevent someone from going through the painful issues associated with sexual abuse.


Chain of Events

Yesterday, Having spent, most of the day with her. I tell Rev, I’d see her, for sure, Sunday.

She had picked me up and had driven, through three or four counties. But she asks me, if I was up to visiting, our friend in Mt. Airy.  Another, in the hospital.

[Ever mindful of my issues, with fatigue. She was the one, to put into words, procisely how I felt]

Today, Saturday. I got up late (for me) around eight a.m.

I was anticipating a friend’s arrival. One who was kind enough to bring me items, I had stored at theirs.

For years!

[How blessed am I, to have people like this, in my life]

One thing, leads to another.

I start to clear space for the things that she’s bringing.

And cleaning up and doing laundry.

I’m exhausted and my back hurts.

[Bipolar, Mania forces me to work, to exhaustion. Or until my back gives out. But, what do you do with the brain? It won’t stop thinking, won’t rest?]

I have my last load in the dryer.

I think of my dad, As I make my bed.

As I fold, Two extra blankets.

I smile. Because my dad, is a bed hog!

I think about some of the things we laughed about, the last time he was here.

I told him, he had eaten all his candy.

He says “I don’t remember eating it”

I then say “Because you don’t remember, doesn’t mean, you didn’t eat it”

And we laughed.

[I no longer worry, that he forgets…that he may forget me]

He said another time “I don’t remember”

I said ” And that’s alright, Right Daddy?

He said “That’s right baby”