Suicide

As I read, Nicolemoncada’s blog (Bipolar Tapestry~PoeticThoughts) it made me aware of how often I think of death. Mine.

I also recognized, my view of suicide has changed.

When the media spoke of Robin Willam’s death and didn’t say suicide, it bothered me.

Because to me, omitting it, meant he died naturally, nobly.

And I thought suicide was cowardice.

But as I struggle daily, to find reasons to live, I understand why a person could make that choice.

And I understand why Nicole used the word, courage (you have to be me, etc).

Because, it’s fear, that I live today…fear I would survive the attempt.

And, I wouldn’t want to put my dad through that kind of pain.

I wish I felt more alive.

I feel like, I’m way past my expiration date.

And I wish I could just say “When” and that, would be that.

Because what is life, without quality?

Bipolar

I wish I could turn my brain off, so it could rest.

That I could stop, thinking about the issues, I’m forced to think about, as a black person, in this, united states.

I wish I could tell my brain to calm down, it’s not urgent and that I don’t have to do everything, all at the same time.

I wish I knew why, I get emotional and cry, for no particular reason, like now.

Like earlier.

Why can’t I, not think about death?

And why does a long life, seems like a death sentence to me?

Why does getting well means, being a pharmaceutical guinea pig?

Why can’t I just be, Well?

For My Dad

This is my story.

I was raised by my father. My most happy times and memories, are of my childhood, with him.

My mother, suffered with mental illness, as did her mother.

I too, have inherited this illness.

My dad just turned 79. He had cancer surgery and failing memory.

He’s in need of help. And I feel helpless.

His needs, are more than I can handle.

But there’s no limit, to what I would do for him.

It’s the least I can do.

Although, I’m disabled, I am more than willing to work/do, all I can to help my dad, live the rest of his life, as well as it can be.

As well as it should be, for the father, who did so much for me.

Who needs me to take care of him, as he isn’t able to take care of hisself.

I unable to work traditional jobs, that requires a schedule. But, I can work, hours or days, at a time.

I am trying to raise money for:

  • My dad’s care
  • House repairs
  • Healthy food
  • Outings

Would you allow me to work (give you my time) in exchange for my needs (car repair, printing, etc)?

The money I save, will go towards my dad’s care.

Thank you, Yvette