Love, Lies and Records

It seems most everything reminds me of my Ex. Now a scene in one of my shows “Love, Lies & Records”

The story line, though written for a heterosexual couple, was so similar to what I experienced in my relationship, it brought me to tears.

How do you get over someone, you still love?

Although we can’t be together, I can’t imagine myself with anyone else.

[I understand how one spouse, loses another and never wants/desires to be with anyone else]

I know it’s this idle time, that makes me think of her more. But fact is, we had a lot of great times.

[The physical attraction so strong, we had secret rendezvous, for 15 years]

I learn from everyone I encounter. She would open the Blinds/Curtains. As soon as she woke up.

[I used our break up, to lose weight and get fit]

Having depression, I liked darkness and was annoyed. But got used to it.

And I realized, it made me feel better.

[why I think of her so often]

How do you move on?

Question, Why is it, when doing online searches for Female Friends, you get directed to dating sites?!

Ridiculous, repetitive and annoying.

Someone legitimately looking for friendships, community support, etc.




I never understood why some folks find it necessary to lie. Or how one, can fake an illness.

Then I thought, maybe they tried the truth and went unheard. And found that lying got them the results they wanted/needed.

Someone says Cancer (true or not) it evokes all kinds of understanding, empathy and support.

I say (to my lover, family and friends) I hurt (PTSD) I’m depressed. And exhausted (CFS)


Or I’m told to “Buck up” and Carry on.

I wish it were, as easy as that.










I share the following. Anonymously. I pray it gives you the comfort, it gave me.

It reminds me, that we are not alone in our suffering (the mentally ill, oppressed, etc)

Dear Friend,

Happy Thanksgiving to you too! Thank you so much for your kind message. You are such a generous and giving person. I thank you for all you teach me about challenge and struggle. That through it all you just keep going. Despite times when you are angry or frustrated, that doesn’t impact the way you treat others. God truly speaks to me through you. May His blessings continue to rain down on you and give you peace on this day of thanks.

With much love

Depression, The Struggle

As I struggle (emotionally) everyday, I keep hearing those words said to me, a couple of weeks ago.

“I don’t get (it) depression.”

[It was like having my feelings dismissed]

I make myself busy (forcing myself to do something, besides lie in bed and isolate)

I feel better. A few minutes later, I feel sadness.

It reminds me to, take my meds.

I get back to doing.

I feel better. A few minutes later, I feel sadness.

Again, I get back to, doing and thinking.

Thinking about why I’m feeling sensitive, agitated, etc.

Could it be me.

And I (and my therapist) concluded that,

It ain’t me.

So I continue, doing.

I feel better and sad again.

Because I’m reminded of how people with Cancer or Heart disease, provoke sympathy and support.

And depression, provokes what it does (“I don’t get depression”)

Depression has been a life long struggle.

And as I have no control over this, I have learned how to manage it.

[having had suicidal thoughts, all my life]

It’s like being gay (!)


Who would, Choose it?

Being Black




Who chose, It?


“Depression, I don’t get it”

Just the other day, someone said to me,

“Depression, I don’t get it”

A while back, someone else said,

“I had it” and how great their life was.

As if to say, “Get over it, I did”

I wish it was that simple.

Depression makes me isolate.

But I went out (doing the opposite)

And I get “I don’t get depression”

Lucky you.


What’s the alternative?

Where do I find?
Mutual understanding
Racial Progression

I am;
Mentally Ill/Able (on SSD)

I need;

I’m 57 years old. And extremely tired.
Last year I prayed, that if my life wasn’t going to be better, that I didn’t want to be here.

[I’ve learned through the years, to be precise in your prayers]

It got better.

[I presume, being able to deal with situations accordingly/maturely, is life. So, better. High marks from my therapist]

Still, I feel as equally about life, as I do death.
My dad is 80. With Stage 4 cancer. I don’t know, that he really knows.
Memory loss, has some use.

He’s never complaint or asked for anything, my whole life.
It’s why I feel guilt, when I serve others (not him)

I’m a daddy’s girl.
I’ve never been able to imagine life without him.

What’s life?
living for others
Having a family (or not)

What’s most important?
My dad.
The betterment, of the rest of his life.

Because relationships change.

[Due to illness, money, etc]

I am Christian.
I am a Realist.
I am angry.

I pray I make decisions, based on the needs of others. That I do what’s best, through those decisions. And that All, is guided by You.

Too much time has been wasted.

I have never felt complacency, about the issues that plaque my Race.

Yet, I know no one, that feels as I do or is motivated to do, anything about it.

I am tired of being limited.

By our own inabilities or the obstacles placed in our way.

I now pray there are others, who will read this, with mutual understanding and aspirations.

If you identify, Please reach out.

I am.

What’s the Alternative?

You can contact me at:

Peace, Yvette


I never been one for, small talk.

For the most part, I speak to express my feelings.

[Something that took, recovery and years of therapy]

Why I think I listen, with a compassionate ear.

But what warrants a, turned up mouth or rolling eyes, when one speaks?

Some say they care.

It seems true.

Long enough to have their wants or needs, satisfied.

So, don’t ask me why, when I become silent.

Remember, I spoke.

You didn’t listen.







“Thank you Lord”

He knows what I need and
I’m grateful!

I’ve been needing some, Alone time, for a long time.

But things kept happening, to prevent that.

I’ve always enjoyed, my time alone.

It’s necessary. As it is, for most folks.

But I don’t live alone.

I would, If I could afford to.

I decided (planned for years) to convert my van, into a little camper.

[Years ago started buying vans. Because of the CFS. But then I began to think, I’d always have a place to sleep, if I became homeless]

I’ve been trying to get it done, for two years.

[Offers of help…]
I was spending the weekend at a friend’s.

I woke up, yesterday morning.

Saturday and drove straight to Home Depot.

And in the parking lot, I measure my van floor and went to collect materials, for my bed platform.

I then put down the floor.

And make the platform.

Zero Carpentry skills!

I didn’t go to bed thinking, “I’m going to Home Depot…..”

I simply got up and did it.


When it was time for me to go home, I didn’t want to go.

But then I get there.

And I park.

And I am grateful.

Because it’s now, 8 at night.

The temperature is nice.

[Cold prevented me from staying in the van]

And I’m having my,

Alone time.

“Thank you, Lord”


Is it me, Or am I expecting too much?

Why can’t people be honest?

I want to first say, I recognize it could be me.

[Over sensitive, expectations, etc]

But, Is it really unrealistic, to expect people to be honest?

For many reasons, I had cause to be untrusting.

In spite of this, I am honest and open.

And I expect, the same.

Why can’t people be, as honest as they pretend to be?

It (lying) seems so unnecessary.

Signed, Seeker of true friendship.


PS For this and other reasons, I wish I were, Elsie Eiler!