Fall easy, hard and long

falling in and out of love

I remember my very first crush. It was my third grade teacher.

Who looked like, Vanessa Williams!

My second crush, involved two.

Saretta. We lived on the same block and went to the same elementary school.

And Miss Brown, who lived around the corner and taught me how to Crochet and Knit.

My last crush, became my mate, for fifteen years.

Reoccurring dreams, Seasons and dates, make it difficult to forget her and to move on.

I know, I will love her forever.

I just want to stop mourning the lost.

I thank my Pastor and Friend, Rev Shorb-Sterling. Who’s retiring soon.

Besides my dad, She was the only person that empathized with my many challenges.

So much so, she supplied the words for me, when I was unable to express how I felt.

Something I lacked from family and friends of more than thirty years.

I will miss her tremendously.

I love you Rev Sue!

I pray we all have the Peace this World needs to heal.

God Bless!

Yvette

Untitled

I never understood why some folks find it necessary to lie. Or how one, can fake an illness.

Then I thought, maybe they tried the truth and went unheard. And found that lying got them the results they wanted/needed.

Someone says Cancer (true or not) it evokes all kinds of understanding, empathy and support.

I say (to my lover, family and friends) I hurt (PTSD) I’m depressed. And exhausted (CFS)

Nothing.

Or I’m told to “Buck up” and Carry on.

I wish it were, as easy as that.

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

Thanksgiving

I share the following. Anonymously. I pray it gives you the comfort, it gave me.

It reminds me, that we are not alone in our suffering (the mentally ill, oppressed, etc)

Dear Friend,

Happy Thanksgiving to you too! Thank you so much for your kind message. You are such a generous and giving person. I thank you for all you teach me about challenge and struggle. That through it all you just keep going. Despite times when you are angry or frustrated, that doesn’t impact the way you treat others. God truly speaks to me through you. May His blessings continue to rain down on you and give you peace on this day of thanks.

With much love

Depression, The Struggle

As I struggle (emotionally) everyday, I keep hearing those words said to me, a couple of weeks ago.

“I don’t get (it) depression.”

[It was like having my feelings dismissed]

I make myself busy (forcing myself to do something, besides lie in bed and isolate)

I feel better. A few minutes later, I feel sadness.

It reminds me to, take my meds.

I get back to doing.

I feel better. A few minutes later, I feel sadness.

Again, I get back to, doing and thinking.

Thinking about why I’m feeling sensitive, agitated, etc.

Could it be me.

And I (and my therapist) concluded that,

It ain’t me.

So I continue, doing.

I feel better and sad again.

Because I’m reminded of how people with Cancer or Heart disease, provoke sympathy and support.

And depression, provokes what it does (“I don’t get depression”)

Depression has been a life long struggle.

And as I have no control over this, I have learned how to manage it.

[having had suicidal thoughts, all my life]

It’s like being gay (!)

Depression.

Who would, Choose it?

Being Black

or

White.

Life.

Who chose, It?

Yvette

“Depression, I don’t get it”

Just the other day, someone said to me,

“Depression, I don’t get it”

A while back, someone else said,

“I had it” and how great their life was.

As if to say, “Get over it, I did”

I wish it was that simple.

Depression makes me isolate.

But I went out (doing the opposite)

And I get “I don’t get depression”

Lucky you.

Alternatives



What’s the alternative?
To;
Church
Family
Facebook,
Friends
Etc….

Where do I find?
Identity
Equality
Mutual understanding
Racial Progression

I am;
Woman
Black
Mentally Ill/Able (on SSD)

I need;
Hope
Selflessness
Community
Better

I’m 57 years old. And extremely tired.
Last year I prayed, that if my life wasn’t going to be better, that I didn’t want to be here.

[I’ve learned through the years, to be precise in your prayers]

It got better.

[I presume, being able to deal with situations accordingly/maturely, is life. So, better. High marks from my therapist]

Still, I feel as equally about life, as I do death.
My dad is 80. With Stage 4 cancer. I don’t know, that he really knows.
Memory loss, has some use.

He’s never complaint or asked for anything, my whole life.
It’s why I feel guilt, when I serve others (not him)

I’m a daddy’s girl.
I’ve never been able to imagine life without him.

What’s life?
living for others
Having a family (or not)
Happiness
Rich
Poor
Black
White

What’s most important?
My dad.
The betterment, of the rest of his life.

Because relationships change.

[Due to illness, money, etc]

I am Christian.
I am a Realist.
I am angry.

I pray I make decisions, based on the needs of others. That I do what’s best, through those decisions. And that All, is guided by You.

Too much time has been wasted.

I have never felt complacency, about the issues that plaque my Race.

Yet, I know no one, that feels as I do or is motivated to do, anything about it.

I am tired of being limited.

By our own inabilities or the obstacles placed in our way.

I now pray there are others, who will read this, with mutual understanding and aspirations.

If you identify, Please reach out.

I am.

What’s the Alternative?

You can contact me at:
Email: deeds4needs@yahoo.com

Peace, Yvette

Talk

I never been one for, small talk.

For the most part, I speak to express my feelings.

[Something that took, recovery and years of therapy]

Why I think I listen, with a compassionate ear.

But what warrants a, turned up mouth or rolling eyes, when one speaks?

Some say they care.

It seems true.

Long enough to have their wants or needs, satisfied.

So, don’t ask me why, when I become silent.

Remember, I spoke.

You didn’t listen.

 

 

 

 

 

 

“Thank you Lord”

He knows what I need and
I’m grateful!

I’ve been needing some, Alone time, for a long time.

But things kept happening, to prevent that.

I’ve always enjoyed, my time alone.

It’s necessary. As it is, for most folks.

But I don’t live alone.

I would, If I could afford to.

I decided (planned for years) to convert my van, into a little camper.

[Years ago started buying vans. Because of the CFS. But then I began to think, I’d always have a place to sleep, if I became homeless]

I’ve been trying to get it done, for two years.

[Offers of help…]
I was spending the weekend at a friend’s.

I woke up, yesterday morning.

Saturday and drove straight to Home Depot.

And in the parking lot, I measure my van floor and went to collect materials, for my bed platform.

I then put down the floor.

And make the platform.

Zero Carpentry skills!

I didn’t go to bed thinking, “I’m going to Home Depot…..”

I simply got up and did it.

[God]

When it was time for me to go home, I didn’t want to go.

But then I get there.

And I park.

And I am grateful.

Because it’s now, 8 at night.

The temperature is nice.

[Cold prevented me from staying in the van]

And I’m having my,

Alone time.

“Thank you, Lord”

Yvette

Suicides

Kate Spade, then Anthony Bourdain.

What do you do, when you feel a deep lost and understanding,

Every time someone decides, they’ve had enough?

For me, years of extreme Brain fog.

Years, of feeling physically exhausted,

Every second, of every day.

[No matter how much, I rest]

A life of depression.

Bipolar.

PTSD (Rape, Has devastated my life and many others)

Medication.

A Black woman, living in this World.

All reasons, that make life, less appealing.

Each time someone choices death over life,

I’m saddened.

I understand.

And it seems my meds stop working.

All I can think about is, not wanting to be here.

But, I won’t commit suicide.

I fear I would survive.

And be worst off.

I think more about, moving to one of those States.

Where you have the right to say when, you’ve had enough and you’re ready to go.

Ready to die.

No, I won’t commit suicide.

I’ll cry, until I stop.

And I’ll keep taking my meds, in spite of.

And I’ll keep seeing my Psychiatrist.

I’ll keep doing this thing called,

Life.

‘Til I can’t.

Yvette