Fall easy, hard and long

falling in and out of love

I remember my very first crush. It was my third grade teacher.

Who looked like, Vanessa Williams!

My second crush, involved two.

Saretta. We lived on the same block and went to the same elementary school.

And Miss Brown, who lived around the corner and taught me how to Crochet and Knit.

My last crush, became my mate, for fifteen years.

Reoccurring dreams, Seasons and dates, make it difficult to forget her and to move on.

I know, I will love her forever.

I just want to stop mourning the lost.

I thank my Pastor and Friend, Rev Shorb-Sterling. Who’s retiring soon.

Besides my dad, She was the only person that empathized with my many challenges.

So much so, she supplied the words for me, when I was unable to express how I felt.

Something I lacked from family and friends of more than thirty years.

I will miss her tremendously.

I love you Rev Sue!

I pray we all have the Peace this World needs to heal.

God Bless!

Yvette

Love, Lies and Records

It seems most everything reminds me of my Ex. Now a scene in one of my shows “Love, Lies & Records”

The story line, though written for a heterosexual couple, was so similar to what I experienced in my relationship, it brought me to tears.

How do you get over someone, you still love?

Although we can’t be together, I can’t imagine myself with anyone else.

[I understand how one spouse, loses another and never wants/desires to be with anyone else]

I know it’s this idle time, that makes me think of her more. But fact is, we had a lot of great times.

[The physical attraction so strong, we had secret rendezvous, for 15 years]

I learn from everyone I encounter. She would open the Blinds/Curtains. As soon as she woke up.

[I used our break up, to lose weight and get fit]

Having depression, I liked darkness and was annoyed. But got used to it.

And I realized, it made me feel better.

[why I think of her so often]

How do you move on?

Question, Why is it, when doing online searches for Female Friends, you get directed to dating sites?!

Ridiculous, repetitive and annoying.

Someone legitimately looking for friendships, community support, etc.

Peace

Yvette

“Depression, I don’t get it”

Just the other day, someone said to me,

“Depression, I don’t get it”

A while back, someone else said,

“I had it” and how great their life was.

As if to say, “Get over it, I did”

I wish it was that simple.

Depression makes me isolate.

But I went out (doing the opposite)

And I get “I don’t get depression”

Lucky you.

Alternatives



What’s the alternative?
To;
Church
Family
Facebook,
Friends
Etc….

Where do I find?
Identity
Equality
Mutual understanding
Racial Progression

I am;
Woman
Black
Mentally Ill/Able (on SSD)

I need;
Hope
Selflessness
Community
Better

I’m 57 years old. And extremely tired.
Last year I prayed, that if my life wasn’t going to be better, that I didn’t want to be here.

[I’ve learned through the years, to be precise in your prayers]

It got better.

[I presume, being able to deal with situations accordingly/maturely, is life. So, better. High marks from my therapist]

Still, I feel as equally about life, as I do death.
My dad is 80. With Stage 4 cancer. I don’t know, that he really knows.
Memory loss, has some use.

He’s never complaint or asked for anything, my whole life.
It’s why I feel guilt, when I serve others (not him)

I’m a daddy’s girl.
I’ve never been able to imagine life without him.

What’s life?
living for others
Having a family (or not)
Happiness
Rich
Poor
Black
White

What’s most important?
My dad.
The betterment, of the rest of his life.

Because relationships change.

[Due to illness, money, etc]

I am Christian.
I am a Realist.
I am angry.

I pray I make decisions, based on the needs of others. That I do what’s best, through those decisions. And that All, is guided by You.

Too much time has been wasted.

I have never felt complacency, about the issues that plaque my Race.

Yet, I know no one, that feels as I do or is motivated to do, anything about it.

I am tired of being limited.

By our own inabilities or the obstacles placed in our way.

I now pray there are others, who will read this, with mutual understanding and aspirations.

If you identify, Please reach out.

I am.

What’s the Alternative?

You can contact me at:
Email: deeds4needs@yahoo.com

Peace, Yvette

Talk

I never been one for, small talk.

For the most part, I speak to express my feelings.

[Something that took, recovery and years of therapy]

Why I think I listen, with a compassionate ear.

But what warrants a, turned up mouth or rolling eyes, when one speaks?

Some say they care.

It seems true.

Long enough to have their wants or needs, satisfied.

So, don’t ask me why, when I become silent.

Remember, I spoke.

You didn’t listen.

 

 

 

 

 

 

“Thank you Lord”

He knows what I need and
I’m grateful!

I’ve been needing some, Alone time, for a long time.

But things kept happening, to prevent that.

I’ve always enjoyed, my time alone.

It’s necessary. As it is, for most folks.

But I don’t live alone.

I would, If I could afford to.

I decided (planned for years) to convert my van, into a little camper.

[Years ago started buying vans. Because of the CFS. But then I began to think, I’d always have a place to sleep, if I became homeless]

I’ve been trying to get it done, for two years.

[Offers of help…]
I was spending the weekend at a friend’s.

I woke up, yesterday morning.

Saturday and drove straight to Home Depot.

And in the parking lot, I measure my van floor and went to collect materials, for my bed platform.

I then put down the floor.

And make the platform.

Zero Carpentry skills!

I didn’t go to bed thinking, “I’m going to Home Depot…..”

I simply got up and did it.

[God]

When it was time for me to go home, I didn’t want to go.

But then I get there.

And I park.

And I am grateful.

Because it’s now, 8 at night.

The temperature is nice.

[Cold prevented me from staying in the van]

And I’m having my,

Alone time.

“Thank you, Lord”

Yvette

The Lonely Lesbie

I hoped I would miss you, less and less over time.

It’s been two years.

Two years since I’ve seen you or heard your voice.

I did all I could, to get you out of my system.

It worked, for a bit.

But then, I had a moment.

And I text you.

Desperate, for even one of your, one worded responses.

I think of the good.

The weekend get aways to “The Room”

The road trips.

To Virginia, Pennsylvania. Martha’s Vineyard.

And the, not so good.

Him. Us and him again.

Still, I love you, as much as I did, the first time I met you.

Because, Whatever we were,

You were always, straight with me.

I miss you, immensely.

Yvette

Chain of Events

Yesterday, Having spent, most of the day with her. I tell Rev, I’d see her, for sure, Sunday.

She had picked me up and had driven, through three or four counties. But she asks me, if I was up to visiting, our friend in Mt. Airy.  Another, in the hospital.

[Ever mindful of my issues, with fatigue. She was the one, to put into words, procisely how I felt]

Today, Saturday. I got up late (for me) around eight a.m.

I was anticipating a friend’s arrival. One who was kind enough to bring me items, I had stored at theirs.

For years!

[How blessed am I, to have people like this, in my life]

One thing, leads to another.

I start to clear space for the things that she’s bringing.

And cleaning up and doing laundry.

I’m exhausted and my back hurts.

[Bipolar, Mania forces me to work, to exhaustion. Or until my back gives out. But, what do you do with the brain? It won’t stop thinking, won’t rest?]

I have my last load in the dryer.

I think of my dad, As I make my bed.

As I fold, Two extra blankets.

I smile. Because my dad, is a bed hog!

I think about some of the things we laughed about, the last time he was here.

I told him, he had eaten all his candy.

He says “I don’t remember eating it”

I then say “Because you don’t remember, doesn’t mean, you didn’t eat it”

And we laughed.

[I no longer worry, that he forgets…that he may forget me]

He said another time “I don’t remember”

I said ” And that’s alright, Right Daddy?

He said “That’s right baby”

Blessings!

Yvette

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

When does it end?

How long will this be? I miss you so much, I’m finding it difficult, to think about anything but you. I know (among other reasons) why.

I woke up, having had, dreamt about you.

You were a mix of two maybe three people, I found attractive. You of course being,

the primary one.

[we were intimately compatible, from beginning to end]

My dream the reminder, the reason, I can’t focus on anything else.

And why not? We were together,  for fifteen years.

And your birthday just past in January.

Another next month. March.

The other reminder that, someone else I love and miss, is also out of my life.

Something, I never imagined.

All of me hurts, this time of year.

When I love,

I love, All of You.

Yvette

Fifteen years

I never wanted my fifteen year relationship to end. I would still be in it, had I not start loving myself. I appreciate the benefits of both, a relationship and being single.

It’ll be two years, the sixth of this month. The day I decided to engross myself, into something, that would take my mind off of you.

Two years later, I’m healthier (for the most part) confirming that, that

was the right decision.

But still, I miss you. And love you, as much as I did, the first time I met you.

I think of you, when I see couples.

Or Singles.

And why wouldn’t this be?

It was thirty years ago, that we met.

[You didn’t know it, but it was then that, I had a crush on you]

We would meet again, in fifteen years.

And it wasn’t until today, I realized.

Fifteen years (two years ago) marked the anniversary of our “Involvement.”

And the ending of it.

I regret neither.

I just wish I could stop, thinking about you.

And wanting you.

I know it will take time.

I just hope it doesn’t take

fifteen years!