The Struggle

When I think of my life, it seems I can connect most things, to my childhood.

Like walking with my dad. As a child, I remember walking, most of the Metropolitan areas.

[my dad, still walks today]

As a rebellious kid, I walked to relieve anger. I also drank and smoked weed.

As a teen, again I walked. But I used, more alcohol/ drugs and violence.

As we walked the streets of downtown, DC, we’d stopped to have a chili dog here or a deli sandwich (hefty) there.

And everytime we passed beggars. Like the blind woman, that played the guitar, in front of the bank, on 9th and F St (I think)

I’d ask my dad for change, so I could give it to them.

When I think of time spent with my mom, I thought of it all as bad.

Most of it was.

But as I struggle with rollercoaster emotions and racing thoughts.

As I find it more difficult, than the day before, to do the things I need to do (bathing, paying bills, etc)

I remember how my mother kept herself clean and the house, immaculate.

This now seems amazing to me.

Especially as I struggle to get out of bed.

And it reminds me of the time, I was in my early 20’s.

I was so depressed, I couldn’t go to work for a week.

[my employer gave me time, to get myself together]

I stayed in bed cried and drank.

[I never returned to work]

In my early 40’s, I was depressed and couldn’t go to work.

I couldn’t stop crying and had to be taken to the emergency room.

[Mental illness has played a part in each area of my life, work, finances, relationships, consistency (lack of?) etc]

Again, I think about my mother.

She had 4 children

and she managed a house.

All she did, with mental issues.

Today, I wonder how she did it.

[I couldn’t go to church today or my crochet group, the other day]

As I struggle with my issues, I pray I find mental and emotional stability.

Author: My Life with mental illness

I have dealt with depression, most of my life and I've tried different antidepressant. With the right diagnosis and med mix, I have lost 40 pounds. And I am managing, my mental illnesses.

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