As I read, Nicolemoncada’s blog (Bipolar Tapestry~PoeticThoughts) it made me aware of how often I think of death. Mine.
I also recognized, my view of suicide has changed.
When the media spoke of Robin Willam’s death and didn’t say suicide, it bothered me.
Because to me, omitting it, meant he died naturally, nobly.
And I thought suicide was cowardice.
But as I struggle daily, to find reasons to live, I understand why a person could make that choice.
And I understand why Nicole used the word, courage (you have to be me, etc).
Because, it’s fear, that I live today…fear I would survive the attempt.
And, I wouldn’t want to put my dad through that kind of pain.
I wish I felt more alive.
I feel like, I’m way past my expiration date.
And I wish I could just say “When” and that, would be that.
Because what is life, without quality?